Fierce Self-Compassion: Embracing Your Inner Strength when you have ADHD
I talk a lot about self-compassion. Did you know there's a part of self-compassion many people aren't aware of that holds immense transformative power for women with ADHD? Kristin Neff's concept of fierce self-compassion.
Tender and Fierce Self-Compassion
The predominant question self-compassion asks is, "What do I need right now?" More specifically, it is "What do I need to help alleviate my suffering?" Your answer to this question changes depending on the circumstances you face at the time.
Sometimes, we need to accept ourselves in all our human imperfections and love ourselves as we are in the moment, and this is particularly hard for women with ADHD. But that doesn't mean we always want to stay as we are in the moment. If you're in danger, it's not the time for self-acceptance; it's time for action.
Tender self-compassion consists of "being with" ourselves in an accepting way. We comfort ourselves, reassure ourselves that we aren't alone and are present with our pain.
Fierce self-compassion involves "acting in the world" to alleviate suffering, our own and others. It involves protecting, providing for, and motivating ourselves. Sometimes, we must stand up for ourselves and others, say no, draw boundaries, or fight injustice. Or we may say yes to ourselves to do what's needed to be happy rather than people-pleasing away our needs to those of others. And if we're stuck in a bad situation or harmful habits, it means doing something different. Not because we're unacceptable as we are but because we care about our lives.
Kristin Neff describes tender self-compassion metaphorically like a parent soothing their crying child and fierce self-compassion like a Mumma Bear who protects her cubs when threatened, catches fish to feed them, or moves them to a new place with better resources.
Just as our tenderness can be turned inward so that we nurture and care for ourselves, our fierce energy can also be turned inward to stand up for ourselves. What's important is that these two forms of self-compassion are balanced and integrated so that we can be whole, like yin and yang.
Fierce self-compassion is about treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would offer to a friend, especially in moments of suffering, failure, or pain, to enable us to advocate for our needs. It's a radical act of self-love that empowers us to confront our inner pain and embrace our vulnerabilities with courage.
As we navigate the complexities of life, especially in the face of insecurity and traumas, practising self-compassion becomes not just a choice but a necessity. So how do we do this? The foundations of fierce self-compassion are the same as tender self-compassion.
The Foundations of Fierce Self-Compassion
Kindness to Ourselves: Embracing fierce self-compassion starts with being kind to ourselves, even when the world seems unkind. It involves acknowledging our struggles without judgment, giving ourselves the warmth and understanding we deserve, and reminding ourselves that we deserve better and are enough just because we exist.
Common Humanity: Remember that you are not alone in your struggles. We all face challenges, make mistakes, and experience setbacks. Recognising our shared humanity connects us to others, fostering a sense of belonging and understanding.
Mindfulness: Cultivating mindfulness allows us to observe our thoughts and emotions without being consumed by them. We can respond to our inner turmoil with wisdom and clarity by staying present in the moment.
How can Fierce self-compassion help us? It enables us to activate our inner strength.
Using Fierce Self-Compassion when you have ADHD
Breaking Free from Codependency:
Codependency often traps individuals in unhealthy relationships where their self-worth is intertwined with others' approval. Fierce self-compassion empowers you to recognise your inherent value and set boundaries. By prioritising your needs without guilt, you break free from the cycle of seeking validation from others. This newfound strength allows you to build healthy relationships based on mutual respect, equality, and genuine connection.
Healing from Insecure Attachments:
Insecure attachment styles can erode self-confidence, hinder emotional intimacy and cause enormous anxiety. Fierce self-compassion serves as a healing balm, helping you confront the wounds of the past with courage. You can reframe your beliefs about relationships by learning to acknowledge your worthiness of love and security. This empowerment enables you to form secure attachments, trust others, and create meaningful, nurturing connections.
Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse:
Recovering from narcissistic abuse is a Herculean task that demands immense inner strength. Fierce self-compassion becomes your guiding light, illuminating the path to healing. It empowers you to reclaim your identity, rebuild self-esteem, and establish healthy boundaries. Through self-compassion, you recognise that the abuse was never your fault and that you deserve a life filled with love, respect, and kindness. With this newfound empowerment, you can emerge from the shadows of abuse and embrace a future defined by self-love and resilience.
Embracing Your Unique Identity:
Fierce self-compassion encourages you to embrace your authentic self, quirks, imperfections, and all. By practising self-acceptance, you tap into your unique strengths and talents. This self-empowerment lets you focus on your needs and passions and confidently navigate life. Embracing your authentic identity becomes an act of rebellion against societal norms and expectations, empowering you to live life on your terms.
Cultivating Emotional Resilience:
Life is full of challenges, but fierce self-compassion equips you with emotional resilience. By acknowledging your emotions without judgment, you develop resilience - the ability to bounce back from setbacks. This resilience enables you to face adversity head-on, learn from failures, and emerge stronger. With each challenge, your empowerment grows, making you increasingly capable of navigating life's uncertainties with grace and determination.
Remember, empowerment through fierce self-compassion is a continuous journey.
It's about embracing your worthiness, honouring your emotions, and standing tall in the face of adversity.
As you cultivate this empowering practice, you transform your relationship with yourself and inspire others to embark on their journey toward self-discovery and empowerment.
Your Path to Fierce Self-Compassion when you have ADHD
Embarking on the journey of fierce self-compassion requires practice, patience, and a willingness to embrace change. Here are some practical steps to integrate this transformative concept into your daily life:
Self-Reflection: Take moments each day for self-reflection. Acknowledge your feelings without judgment, and remind yourself that you are worthy of love and kindness just because you exist. You are enough as you are.
Positive Affirmations: Use positive affirmations to challenge your inner critic and critical thoughts. Repeat phrases like "I am worthy of love and respect" or " I deserve the best and nothing but the best" to reinforce your self-compassion practice.
Mindful Self-Compassion Exercises: Engage in mindfulness exercises and self-compassion meditations. These practices can help you better understand your emotions and build self-acceptance.
Remember, fierce self-compassion is not a destination but a continuous journey. By embracing this powerful concept, we can transform our lives, heal from past wounds, and nurture a deep sense of self-love.
Please reach out if you'd like to explore this topic further or share your experiences.
Stay fierce, stay compassionate, and embrace the incredible power within you.
