ADHD, Self-Compassion, and Finding My Way

My ADHD Story

In March 2022, my youngest daughter received her adult ADHD diagnosis; at the same time, her assessor suggested that I also had ADHD and advised me at the age of 50 to seek a referral for myself, which I did the next day.

Throughout the lengthy assessment my daughter went through, we both learned more and more about ADHD and the phrase "mum you do this" were words often spoken by her to me. So, by the time the assessor gently suggested that I also had ADHD, I didn't need to be convinced.

Anyone who's been through an adult ADHD assessment knows the grief and anger that can come after a diagnosis.

Grief that you thought it was your fault all of your life that you didn't fit in, anger that nobody picked it up sooner, and frustration that far too many people say, "Well, you seem normal".

Then comes a ton of unmasking, recognising what coping mechanisms you've used to minimise ADHD symptoms, recognising how your energy changes depending on the mental load of any particular task or how much you are required by society to mask in different situations.

And finally, slowly but surely, you start making adjustments that allow you to live more authentically.

This can be a challenging period; family members can dismiss your diagnosis, certain professionals state to the world that "ADHD doesn't exist", and all the while, you are wondering what your life would have been like if you'd known about ADHD sooner instead of hating who you are.

My daughter and I both went through a version of this, but with something I count myself lucky to have already learned about, which helped immensely.

The something - a deep knowledge of self-compassion gained through my positive psychology training.

What is Self-Compassion?

Simply put, self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would treat a friend or loved one.

If a friend was struggling with an aspect of life, you would be compassionate and offer supportive words to them, so why not do that for yourself?

We are often extremely harsh on ourselves and have unnecessarily high expectations. We tend not to do that with other people in our lives.

I teach this to my coaching clients through an exercise called 'The Two Friends Metaphor', a fantastic exercise that helps people notice how they talk to themselves and introduces the concept of the critical inner voice.

By becoming aware of and noticing our critical inner voices, we can change unconscious thought patterns and learn how to treat ourselves with more compassion.

For me, this looked like reminding myself that I was doing my best in previous difficult situations.

Learning that I am not lazy or stupid (I still have work to do on accepting that it's okay to wear my dressing gown when in my PJs).

When I've overworked due to hyperfocus, I now allow myself a rest day without beating myself up about it, which is helping me learn to balance my energy more effectively.

My self-acceptance has grown as a consequence of practising self-compassion. And I am becoming an encouraging and supportive parent to myself when things are difficult.

My critical inner voice is still there (it's now named Jackie after my mother). We can never remove it entirely, and sometimes, it does help to keep us safe. However, it is now much quieter than it used to be, and my compassionate voice always appears immediately after Jackie speaks.

Neurodivergent people tend to hear a lot of negative comments directed towards them in their lives, particularly in their childhood years.

This can have an immense impact on their mental health over time into adulthood due to the higher levels of actual and perceived criticism directed towards neurodivergent people. I firmly believe many addicts are drawn to their drug of choice simply because they are self-medicating their neurodiversity and trying to quieten their critical thoughts.

Part of my work is with a Positive Psychology non-profit that also works to raise awareness of neurodiversity and inclusion. I have recognised the potential for self-compassion to be beneficial in this area for a while now. I was excited to see that some research has recently been published showing that increasing self-compassion can have a positive effect on the mental health of adults with ADHD.

The Future

My hope is that the awareness of the mental health benefits of self-compassion for neurodivergent people will increase, and many more people will learn how to practice it themselves.

Self-compassion is always the first aspect of my work with coaching clients. I am amazed by how many people quickly benefit from introducing simple practices into their lives. It's as if somewhere in the history of humans, we forgot to teach children how to be kind to themselves when they are taught how to be kind to others.

For me, I continue to practice self-compassion every single day. I am human like the rest of you, and I have many moments where I'm beating myself up or criticising myself.

The difference in my life now is that I instantly combat the criticism with kindness, allow myself to put my needs first, and ignore what Jackie (my critical inner voice) says.