Self-Compassion: How To Be Kind To Yourself When You Have ADHD
You may have heard the term self-compassion, but do you know that it's more than just 'being kind to yourself'? Self-compassion is like having a friendly ally in your corner that encourages you to accept yourself and take action. It is an invisible force that helps us protect, motivate and provide for ourselves all at once. It involves treating yourself with the same warmth, concern, and support that you would extend to a dear friend, both when you're being hard on yourself AND when others mistreat you. When we embrace self-compassion, we break free from neglecting our own needs and prioritise our wellbeing. In this article, let's explore the wonderful world of self-compassion, discover its importance, and uncover practical tips and exercises to infuse it into your everyday life.
Self-compassion and ADHD
Simply put, self-compassion is about treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would treat a friend or loved one. If a friend was struggling with an aspect of life, you would be compassionate and offer supportive words to them, so why not do that for yourself?
We are often extremely harsh on ourselves and have unnecessarily high expectations. We tend not to do that with other people in our lives. I teach this to my coaching clients, typically women with ADHD, through an exercise called 'The Two Friends Metaphor', a fantastic exercise that helps people notice how they talk to themselves and introduces the concept of the critical inner voice. By becoming aware of and noticing our critical inner voices, we can change unconscious thought patterns and learn how to treat ourselves with more compassion.
Neurodivergent people tend to hear a lot of negative comments directed towards them in their lives, particularly in their childhood years. When you have ADHD, this can have an immense impact on your mental health over time into adulthood due to the higher levels of actual and perceived criticism directed towards you.
Part of my work is with a Positive Psychology non-profit that also works to raise awareness of neurodiversity and inclusion. I have recognised the potential for self-compassion to be beneficial to people with autism and ADHD for a while now. I was excited to see that some research has recently been published showing that increasing self-compassion can have a positive effect on the mental health of adults with ADHD.
What is Self-Compassion?
Dr. Kristin Neff developed self-compassion, a tool that changes how we relate to ourselves and can cultivate self-acceptance. Dr. Neff’s self-compassion model contains three basic dimensions: mindfulness versus over-identification, self-kindness versus self-judgement, and common humanity versus isolation.
Self-compassion can be difficult to cultivate, especially if you are used to self-criticism or neglecting your own needs. However, research shows that it is essential for overall well-being and can help break the cycle of negative self-talk and self-judgment. Research also confirms that individuals with strong self-compassion are shielded from depression and anxiety, exhibit less self-criticism, and ultimately lead happier lives.
The Importance of Self-Compassion when you have ADHD
When we lack self-compassion, we often fall into the trap of treating ourselves harshly or neglecting our own needs. This can then lead to feelings of shame, anxiety, and depression. On the other hand, when we practice self-compassion, we are more likely to feel confident, resilient, and emotionally balanced.
One way to cultivate self-compassion is to start by acknowledging your own suffering. This means recognising when you are experiencing pain or difficulty and offering yourself kind words of comfort and support. It also means reframing your inner dialogue to be more positive and encouraging rather than critical or judgmental.
Through adopting the mindset of talking to yourself as you would to a dear friend, forgiving yourself for past situations you wrongly assumed were entirely your fault, and reflecting on how you nurture your own needs, you begin to embrace self-compassion as a way of life.
Self-Compassion and Women with ADHD
Self-compassion is a game-changer for women for numerous reasons. Firstly, it helps us overcome the harsh grip of self-criticism. Self-criticism can hinder personal growth, leading to feelings of anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. By treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we liberate ourselves from this cycle of negativity.
Secondly, self-compassion equips us with the tools to manage difficult emotions. When faced with challenging situations, it's natural to be bombarded with a whirlwind of negative feelings. However, by embracing self-compassion, we learn to acknowledge and accept these emotions without judgment or self-criticism.
Finally, self-compassion enhances our relationships with others. When we show kindness and compassion to ourselves, it spills over into our interactions with others. This paves the way for positive connections and strengthens the bonds we share, making our relationships more fulfilling.
When women with ADHD practice self-compassion, they powerfully change how they show up in the world through increased agency, resilience, and self-worth. From this position, women with ADHD are more able to respond to challenges in life in a less self-critical and more authentic way and model to the next generation of girls that women with ADHD are worthy of love and respect. Every single woman doing this, whether they have ADHD or not, is making an impact on changing intergenerational patterns of sexism.
Practical Tips for Cultivating Self-Compassion when you have ADHD
If you're eager to start cultivating self-compassion, here are some friendly tips to help you:
Practice Mindfulness
Mindfulness is the practice of being fully present and engaged in the current moment without judgment or distraction. By practising mindfulness, you can become more aware of your own thoughts and feelings and learn to respond to them with kindness and compassion. Mindfulness can be practised in various ways, for example - meditation, walking in nature, colouring, and gardening. If you’re interested in trying meditation as a way to practise mindfulness, try the following as a starting place.
Embrace Mindfulness Meditation
Mindfulness meditation is a powerful tool for cultivating self-compassion. By practising mindfulness through meditation, we become more attuned to our thoughts and emotions without getting overwhelmed by them. This newfound awareness enables us to approach ourselves with greater kindness and understanding.
Explore Self-Compassion Meditation
An abundance of guided meditations is available that specifically focus on cultivating self-compassion. These meditations act as powerful allies, helping us learn to be kinder to ourselves.
Challenge Your Inner Critic
Many of us have an inner critic telling us we are not good enough or don't deserve happiness. Becoming aware of your self-talk is the first step towards integrating self-compassion into your life. You can cultivate a more positive and compassionate inner dialogue by challenging your inner critic and reframing your negative self-talk. Observe the messages you send yourself throughout the day. Are they kind and supportive or critical and negative? If you catch yourself being overly harsh, try reframing your thoughts in a more positive light.
Write a Self-Compassion Letter
One powerful exercise for cultivating self-compassion is to write a letter to yourself from the perspective of a compassionate friend. In this letter, you can offer yourself words of encouragement, support, and kindness.
Practice Self-Care
Self-care is the practice of caring for your physical, emotional, and psychological needs. Self-compassion thrives when we care for ourselves physically, emotionally, and mentally. This means prioritising adequate sleep, nourishing ourselves with a healthy diet, engaging in regular exercise, and carving out time to relax and unwind.
How to overcome common obstacles to practising self-compassion when you have ADHD
A substantial barrier women with ADHD experience in practising self-compassion is the feelings of guilt, selfishness and shame that can come up; here are some tips to overcome these feelings.
Recognise the Universality of Human Experience
Remember that feelings of guilt or shame are common experiences many people face. They're a normal part of being human. Acknowledging this can help you understand that you're not alone in your struggles and that it's okay to be kind and compassionate toward yourself.
Challenge Negative Self-Talk - A Reminder to Challenge Your Inner Critic
Negative self-talk often fuels feelings of guilt and shame. Yes, I mentioned the inner critic earlier, but it cannot be underestimated how powerful our thoughts are, so get challenging yours! Pay attention to your critical inner voice and challenge it with a more compassionate and realistic perspective. It can help to visualise your inner critic as a person, give it a name, and tell it to f-off when it’s bothering you. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes, and they don't define your worth as a person.
Practice Self-Forgiveness
Cultivate forgiveness for yourself by recognising that you are human and imperfect. Understand that making mistakes is a natural part of growth and learning. Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would extend to a friend who made a mistake.
Reframe Mistakes as Opportunities for Growth
Instead of dwelling on your mistakes, reframe them as valuable learning experiences. See them as stepping stones towards personal growth and development. Embrace a growth mindset that allows for self-compassion and recognises the potential for positive change.
Seek Support and Connection
Reach out to supportive friends, family members, or a professional who can provide a non-judgmental space for you to express your feelings. Sharing your struggles and receiving empathy and understanding can help alleviate guilt and shame while fostering self-compassion.
Embracing Self-Love In The Form of Self-Compassion
Ultimately, self-compassion is about learning to love and accept yourself, flaws and all. By giving yourself permission to embrace self-love as an essential component of overall wellbeing, you can break free from the cycle of neglecting your own needs and start living a happier, more fulfilling life.
My hope is that the awareness of the mental health benefits of self-compassion for neurodivergent people will increase, and many more people with ADHD will learn how to practice it themselves.
Self-compassion is always the first aspect of my work with coaching clients. I am amazed by how many people with ADHD quickly benefit from introducing simple practices into their lives. It's as if somewhere in the history of humans, we forgot to teach children how to be kind to themselves when they are taught how to be kind to others.
Self-compassion is an essential ingredient in the recipe for overall wellbeing. By treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we break free from neglecting our own needs and embrace our own wellbeing as a top priority. Practising self-compassion not only transforms our relationship with ourselves but also enhances our connections with others, leading to a happier, more fulfilling life.
So, why not take some time today to shower yourself with self-compassion and witness the incredible transformation it can bring to your life?
