Saving Myself One Day At A Time

Last week, I took a short break, a break from writing, a break from trying to do it all, a break from life. I hadn’t intended to take a break, I dipped in and out of Medium and writing, and kept on top of the absolutes in my life, but ultimately I took a break. My mind somehow knew I needed some time off.

I struggle with self-love even though I understand what it is. I have been working on self-love for a few years and will freely admit it can sometimes be a burden to me. It’s something that I know is important to my healing, and I will continue to work on it, yet it still feels like a burden at times, primarily due to my relationship with rewards.

Through the process of healing, I discovered I have a faulty reward centre. My reward centre never developed in a healthy way as a child, and my programming tells me rewards only come from pleasing others. I struggle to reward myself and feel the benefits. I have a natural tendency to self-abandon, denying myself pleasure because my programming is “I don’t deserve it”.

I mean, what even is a reward? I aim to practise self-love but still fail to relate rewards to myself. If pampering myself for an evening is a reward, I cannot relate. I’d enjoy the evening, but it doesn’t feel like a reward to me. Until I can feel rewards, then self-love is often a burden I practise.

So what did I do on my break? During the first few days, I went downhill into old thought patterns, back to the days I was trapped wondering what is wrong with me.

For the next couple of days, I acknowledged I was repeating old patterns of behaviour, self-sabotaging through a lack of sleep and not eating properly.

After another morning of sitting in my old thought patterns, I moved. I spent the afternoon climbing a mountain to see the views, and I got out of my head for a while. It helped, and for the rest of the day, I thoroughly enjoyed my downtime.

The next day I moved again. I finally built some furniture that has been staring at me in its box for six weeks. I also unpacked the last boxes in my living room from moving house eight months ago, making my home more comfortable in the process (now the only boxes left to unpack are in the attic, yay!).

That might sound boring, but for me, both of those things are actions of self-love. After years of only living to prove myself to other people, I did those things for myself, to change how I felt in those moments, to care for myself. I chose myself, and in those moments, self-love was not a burden.

I never knew I was allowed to make my own choices until I was in my early 40s. I did things for other people, went along with decisions that weren’t necessarily good for me, and denied my feelings telling me to put myself first.

I then spent some time being angry about the years I did this. I found myself demanding that I had a voice and could make my own decisions; my mantra was “I decide”. Now I feel calmer and know that I don’t have to do what others want me to do if it’s not right for me, and I am starting to do this more naturally.

My current home is all my choice. I bought it myself and am slowly developing plans for decorating over the next few years so that every single thing in it brings me joy. The most seemingly selfish act of my life is all about me and what I want. Everything is my choice. And that is okay.

While writing this, I can see my burgeoning attitude towards my home is really how my attitude towards my whole life could be. Simply making my own choices that lead to joy, releasing anything else. The reward comes from making my own choices, and that’s a reward I can relate to. That would be the most significant act of self-love I can make, and it would genuinely liberate me — that in my life, I get to choose.

Many years ago, someone told me I was like a prisoner, trapped in my cell with the door open. It is the same for many people on a healing journey, knowing you want to change but not knowing where to start, how to integrate the change wanted into our lives or even that we deserve it, so we stay put in old patterns. The past took me hostage and I am finally walking through an open door to freedom— saving myself one day at a time by choosing self-love above all.