A Tattoo Changed My Life

What do you think of tattoos? Do you have one? What does it mean to you?

I used to think they were just ink on someone’s body, they didn’t bother me, but I didn’t understand why a person would want to get one.

Two years ago, I changed my mind.

I had recently started a new job and came out of a short relationship. After years of struggling as a single mother, I felt like my life was finally beginning to move forward, but there was still a feeling of constant fear in my gut. I’d spent so many years trying to keep control of everything around me to keep us all safe, and I was exhausted. I recognised I had spent years forgetting to live, and it was time to stop.

Letting Go

In a conversation with my eldest daughter about how I felt and how frustrating it was that I couldn’t let go, she suggested getting a small tattoo. I wanted a permanent reminder to remind me to let go and ease my anxious thoughts whenever I saw it.

At the time, I thought I was doing it to help improve my mindfulness practice. Looking back, I see it was the start of my road to healing and a journey into trusting something else.

Spirituality

I recently wrote a post on the 6 lessons I learned from divorce. On reading it, a friend pointed out that I was actually writing about spirituality, and I hadn’t even realised it. Even writing about spirituality here feels weird to me. I am a non-religious, science-based person who still refuses to believe in organised religion’s version of God. But, for me, there is something.

I have always believed that people who have faith are more able to bear suffering. I saw it around me in terminally ill patients and experiences with friends who regularly attended church. The suffering was no less than other people, but somehow they found their way through it easier. Recent research has backed up the notion that creating meaning in suffering affects well-being, which instinctively made me question the connection to faith and spirituality.

Doubts

I am someone who has loved Easter since childhood and will always watch a biblical movie when it’s on TV (I love all the classics).

I am someone who read and re-read my illustrated children’s bible when I was younger and who has only just realised it’s because I felt safe when I was reading it.

I am someone who has consistently recognised that some people are able to choose differently from others when faced with extreme challenges.

I am someone who bought a bible five years ago “to see what it’s all about” and has not yet picked it up.

I am a non-believer, a scientist, someone who has taught her children there is no God; science is the way.

And yet…I am now someone who is finally admitting to myself, right here at this moment, that I believe in something.

Authenticity

So how did I get from getting a tattoo to now finally beginning to accept I am someone who is building their faith and welcoming spirituality into their life? I’m still not sure.

Since my divorce, I have focused on providing for my children through self-improvement to earn more money. In doing so, I have journeyed through various topics as the information appeared in my life. From productivity – how to do this better, healing – how to stop feeling this way and finally, spirituality – trust in a higher power.

It took too many years for me to realise that I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone else. And that I could begin to allow myself to truly seek information that would soothe my soul. I guess that is part of the journey of life, the path to authenticity.

Now soothing my soul is my highest priority, so I will go wherever it takes me. I typically shy away from pseudoscience-style spirituality but have slightly dappled with the psychologist Dr Steve Taylor’s writing and his theory of awakening as part of my Master’s degree. Still, I weirdly have many unread spirituality books on my bookshelves that when I looked at them yesterday, I realised they are screaming at me, “Emma, this is meant for you”. So I have a lot of reading to do.

Final Thoughts

We are born innocent, life then damages us, and it is not our fault. Many of us live in pain, unhappiness or, at the very least, languishing instead of flourishing. A lucky few seem to sail through life and its challenges better than the rest of us.

We all have a moment or multiple moments when we are presented with a choice on how we live our lives. We can stay in the place of ‘meh’ that we are in or try a different way, even when that other way doesn’t yet make sense to us.

One option is to trust, hand over our suffering to a higher power than us and choose to focus instead on what brings us joy. Unknowingly, getting my tattoo was the moment I decided to trust in something and handed my suffering over.